One of my favorite authors is Jen Lancaster. She writes funny memoirs about what else? Her funny life. But not only does she write books, but you can get short doses of Jen's funniness from her blog jennsylvania.com. Well one usually work day for me was going by and while I was on my lunch in the employee break area I decided to check up on jennslyvania to see what was new. When I found this blog post (that I have posted below) I could not stop laughing out loud while eating my lean cuisine microwave meal. I got quite a few stares and odd looks, so beware that if you read this in a public place to will too. I also you laugh just as hard as me because we have all done some thing like this.
February 04, 2010
The Evolution Of A Bad Idea
10:15 PM - Hmm, getting late. I should get ready for bed.
10:30 PM - Hmm, getting even later. I should get ready for bed.
10:45 PM - Someone on the internet is mistaken and I must express my displeasure with many upper-case letters and exclamation points.
11:00 PM - It's really not getting any earlier, is it?
11:10 PM - Nightly skin inspection in bathroom mirror. Not perfect, but not bad for my age/lifestyle/aversion to sunscreen.
11:11 PM - Hey, what would happen if I used a magnifying mirror during my inspection?
11:12 PM - SWEET JESUS, MAKE IT STOP!
11:13 PM - Re-inspect by light of bedside lamp. Ah, all better.
11:14 PM - But what if I put in a brighter bulb?
11:15 PM - IS FURRY BEAST! KILL IT! KIIIIIIIIL IT!
11:16 PM - "What do you think I'm doing? I'm looking at my skin in this mirror. And I've either got to wax this mustache or start giving rides on it, ha ha!"
11:16 PM - "What do you mean, 'I don't think that expression means what you think it means'?"
11:17 PM - Oh. Then that man at Target with the "Free Mustache Rides" logo was wearing a very dirty shirt.
11:18 PM - "Then I would like to amend my previous statement. I need to wax this mustache or learn to twirl it, ha ha!"
11:19 PM - I should tweeze this thing.
11:20 PM - I should find my tweezers.
11:21 PM - Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
11:22 PM - Screw this. I need a professional waxing. Must make an appointment.
11:25 PM - Can't. Stop. Fondling. Mustache.
11:30 PM - Fine, I'll do the goddamned thing myself.
11:40 PM - Can't find new tub of wax I purchased for just this very occasion, so locate old container. Is very old. Is possibly the exact same tub that Moses's wife used to remove her unwanted facial hair. (Desert light is unforgiving.)
11:41 PM - But it's wax. It's not like it could go bad, right?
11:42 PM - "I'm not 'banging around and keeping you awake.' I'm doing something important."
11:43 PM - Microwaving.
11:44 PM - Microwaving.
11:45 PM - Microwaving.
11:46 PM - Microwaving.
11:47 PM - I think my microwave may be broken.
11:48 PM - Ah, there we go.
11:49 PM - I don't have a stick, so I'll just use my finger to stir this hot, molten lava.
11:50 PM - "Well, what do you expect? I just seared off my own fingerprint!"
11:51 PM - Blow and cool. Use damaged digit to spread wax liberally on my Tom Selleck.
11:52 PM - Wait for wax to harden so can pull off unsightly hairs in one (briefly painful) fell swoop.
11:53 PM - Is not hardening.
11:54 PM - Is not hardening.
11:55 PM - Is not hardening. Is sitting on upper lip in a big, sticky blob.
11:56 PM - Begin to tentatively peel off wax millimeter by millimeter. (Hate metric system.)
11:57 PM - Is like removing chewing gum from underneath cafeteria table, only ouchy.
11:57 PM - Hurty.
11:58 PM - Hurty.
11:59 PM - So very hurty.
12:00 AM - Use sticky bits of already-peeled wax to slowly pry off other gummy bits.
12:01 AM - Oh, yeah, this is WAY better than waiting nine hours to pay a professional ten dollars to handle this in five seconds.
12:02 AM - The good news is the hair is coming off.
12:03 AM - The bad news is, so is my skin.
12:04 AM - How mad will he be if I wake him up to help me?
12:05 AM - On second thought, he'd be mad for a second, but the mocking would last a lifetime. Must cowboy-up and finish job myself.
12:06 AM - ...And it's finally off!
12:07 AM - Except for those small, tacky bits with the Kleenex stuck to them.
12:08 AM - I know, I'll use baby oil. That gets rid of sticky stuff.
12:09 AM - Hmm, I don't have a baby oil. Instead opt for canola oil. (Is hearty-healthy.)
12:10 AM - Wax is off, now to remove oil. Need toner.
12:11 AM - But tossed out toner after that whole "who thought it was a good idea to make this stuff the exact same shade of blue as the nail polish remover?" incident.
12:12 AM - Will use Fletch's toner. Quietly.
12:13 AM - !!!
12:14 AM - "WELL MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN 'GLYCOLIC ACID' IN BIGGER PRINT ON THE BOTTLE!"
12:15 AM - Probably should plan to make an "I'm sorry I got shouty after midnight mousse" tomorrow.
12:16 AM - Inspect skin in magnifying mirror by light of new bulb. Hair is gone, but lip is swollen in manner of Simpson's character.
12:17 AM - So this is what I'd look like if I had the capability of growing a big, red fu-manchu mustache. Noted.
12:18 AM - In retrospect, perhaps "learn to twirl it" wasn't such a bad idea.
12:19 AM - Is really late. Must get ready for bed.
12:20 AM - I wonder if anyone else on the internet is wrong?
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